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Hobeeb
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Name: Vinny
Country: United States
State: New York
Birthday: 1/28/1980
Gender: Male
Interests: Favorite Books: The Prophet, Wheel of Time, Leaves of Grass, Walden, The Agony and the Ecstasy, Catcher in the Rye, Lamb (Christopher Moore), ok ok, I admit it, I like the Harry Potter books too, get over it...
Favorite Movies: Swingers, Streetcar Named Desire, Matrix, Good Will Hunting, Donnie Brasko, Tao of Steve, As Good as it Gets, Donnie Darko, Fight Club, Brave Heart, Scarface, DDLJ, 12 Angry Men, Shakespere in Love, Igby Goes Down, The Shawshank Redemption, Mystic River, Pulp Fiction, Almost Famous, Let the Wind Blow, F911, James Bond Movies (Sean Connery is the man), RogerDoger, American Beauty -- I could go on, but I'll stop there...
Occupation: Other
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Hobeeb
Member Since:
7/29/2004
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| I am in the middle of a crisis. Well, I don't want to use the word crises, but I'm not sure how else to explain the situation I am in. Before I go into the details of my present condition there are a few things I'd like to cover. 1: In the past 6 months both my parents have contracted various forms of cancer (Lung and Breast respectively) which may or may not be fatal. 2: I have been in Los Angeles for almost one calender year. I have traveled more this year then any other year of my life, I have been away from the city at least 3 of the 11 months I have spent here. 3: My weekly ritual includes work, class, the gym, casting director workshops, and at least one night out at a restaurant of some sort. Recently my birthday passed by, and 3 of the 6 people in my close knit circle either forgot or were to busy to go out and celebrate. I have also recently been seeing a girl from class, who is sweet, and pretty but only really entertains me on vague social and carnal levels of interaction - there is no depth, or pretense of depth in the initial stages of this relationship - we talk about her dreams, watch movies and fuck. Nothing wrong with that of course, just that it is what it is, nothing more (strangely comforting and eerily terrifying at the same time).
Which leaves me to where...I...am.
Oddly enough, the sentence structure is the perfect metaphor for my spiritual location,
At the end of an ellipses.
I speak to her everyday,
I hate it. She doesn't know it,
But she ruins my day every-single-day.
She has found, with a ruthless efficiency that only familial instincts can provide,
Bonds that I swear were broken,
And hearts of compassion that were hidden deep within the wells of my subconscious.
Her voice calls out to the miners of my pity, sympathy, guilt and discontent,
To send their wares to the crux of a moral ascendancy I never knew I had.
I fight these urges as I would fight my deadliest foe,
Using every weapon I have at my disposal to fight them off.
And though I have kept them from breaching the walls of my manifest belief,
Still, like the sand that follows the waves into the ocean, pieces of my being are taken with every retreat.
I speak to my men of the Revolution, and Thermopylae,
I speak of duty, honor, destiny, and sacrifice,
I speak of legends in the past and glories in the future.
I speak to ease my soul into the dark crevices of ambition.
AMBITION -
The word makes me feel unclean.
It is my own duel with the devil,
And one that will stand the test of time.
And though some may find it despicable,
They forget, it shields me from the hordes of souls that threaten to take advantage of the very base of my humanity.
I have felt drained for quite some time now, my vacations have not been vacations just stop overs. I have not been on an actual vacation in years. I need to get away from -- everyone and everything I know. I need a new start. I need to be somewhere else and someone else for a time.
...
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| 0100 hours
Gin is the muse of choice here in Apt. 613, please allow me to share some intoxicated wisdom with you:
I knew her
She changed from something I knew to something I know
Someone I know to be living, breathing, and made of flesh and blood
Blood that called to my blood
Flesh that called to my flesh
My manifest shattered
It was either stand and kill, or run and spare
I chose the latter
As a lady's laugh slips into the night
Sad but brief, it was never known
That we had ever existed
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| Been a really long time since I've written, but then again, it's been a really long time since I've felt compelled to write. There have been alot of things popping up from my past lately and I think I'd like to address them in the following entry: Growing up in a small, ignorant, prejudice town in the south has given me a serious self image complex. For years I thought I had a commitment problem. I could never stay in a relationship for more then three months. If the girl didn't end it, I did. The only girls that I was really interested in were the ones that treated me badly - hot and cold, indifference, rejection, and lies - and somehow I would rationalize ALL OF IT for them, they never had to take any responsibilty because I was always the one letting them off the hook! I chalked this problem up to my independant streak and continued on my blissful way...thinking that only love hate passionate cat and mouse relationships were the only thing that really interested me - like some sort of sick carousel ride. Going deeper, the reason that I was under the impression that this is what I found exciting was becuase this is how I was treated most of my adolescent life, like some sort of second class citizen (really makes me angry now), like I wasn't good enough for the girls in my town or something, when really it came down to the color of my skin - this continued on through adulthood and I have only recently become aware of it. I also have an ugly duckling complex. I wasn't the most attractive kid growning up, now I've filled out a bit and I look different - it's not easy adjusting to that. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's not easy coming to terms with the fact that you are now considered attractive. Les told me to be the person I am, not who I think I am, but who I am...and talking to Jenn has always been cathartic. So simple, but man I wish someone would have told me that years ago. Thanks Leslie and Jenn, you just made my year. | | |
| Blew me away...need to read more Neruda...
Pablo Neruda
Sonnet XVII (100 Love Sonnets, 1960)
I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close. | | |
| love n.
- A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
"Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be. "
Anton Chekhov (1860 - 1904)
I'm getting ready to leave LA -- I jsut got back from Britt's place -- a place I didn't think I'd see -- and I knew I was going there to say goodbye in my own quirky way -- I just wasn't ready for how sad it was, to see us both fall from grace like that. You would'nt have been able to tell by the conversation, most'y movies, mostly general...but we died tonight, I felt like giving a eulogy to the plants outside once I left -- funny thing is, I felt a peice of myself, the piece I was when I was with her die too (the passionate, idealistic courageous love -- it just burned out), and I just, I don't know it was sad to be normal, lets keep it at that for awhile...
Vin | | |
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